the aesthetic + the heart
can i please go home and paint now?
please.
– – –
we’re alive
and shall be:
cities may overflow
(am was)
assassinating whole grassblades,
five ideas can swallow a man;
three words
im-prison a woman
for all her now:
but we’ve
such freedom
such intense digestion so
much greenness only dying makes us grow.
i am complete, satisfied, and indescribably content.
i am loved beyond comprehension in absolute permanence.
i will never know heartbreak here.
balance.
balance is something i constantly strive for, yet consistantly fail miserably in.
i am an all or nothing person, and i want to do everything. everything.
i want to love everyone, all the time.
[ i once had a shirt that said “i just want to make the whole world sing.” i lost it during a move; i will owe a lifetime of favors to the person that finds me that shirt again. ]
this makes balance simultaneously beyond necessary and close to impossible.
i don’t believe in half-assed tries, but my life is full of half-mastered interests.
[ sometimes i justify my half-mastered interests by the fact that i gave myself to it entirely for _____ amount of time. ]
my attempts have the backing of my whole heart, but i never cease to bite off more than i can chew.
i am a distracted, whole-hearted perfectionist.
i am trying to learn to be cautious in my bouts of excitement,
even though it feels completely wrong;
there is an overwhelming mass of joy somewhere inside of me,
and when things that i love pop into my life,
the dam breaks and that joy seems to flood over everything else.
[ water is life but floods kill. ]
i still want life en masse,
but i don’t know how to break it down into pieces.
pieces that still propel the same intensity of joy,
but that do not flood me.
several months back when i was complaining/crying to god about this,
he said, “you will not change as time passes, you will simply be More.”
it is so bittersweet when God confirms my weaknesses as part of who i rightly am.
walked down to nicholas’s last night after getting off work to play with some lighting…his friend breanna is in town from washington so i got to shoot her for quite some time. here are two:
![choice #2 :]](http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3444/3389346912_8528c35e33_b.jpg)
[ click on images to see full size on black. ]
– – –
i haven’t had three minutes to myself this entire week, and for the first time in awhile it’s actually not stressing me out that bad. i am still eternally grateful that today is friday, though, and that in six hours i will be headed straight home to probably lock myself in for 24 hours. tomorrow i am shooting the son of dust and even though they’re massive amounts of fun to hang out with, i’m sort of dreading adding to my 1000+ photos that currently need to be edited.
i also have a stack of 6+ books that dear friends have given to me to read and i think i’m only halfway through 2 of them.
– – –
shannon and i are going to have fingerpainting nights starting immediately – i have way too much color that needs to just GET OUT and i am such a perfectionist that i over-think everything i paint and it takes much too long or never gets done. i cannot wait to paint and just love it, with the full knowledge that at the end of the night my creation will go straight to the trashcan..
a little trip to midwest photo exchange to purchase myself (finally) a hotshoe adapter for my new lightstand/speedlite.
i also got a silver umbrella and poverty wizards.
– – –
i’ve been struggling with the placement of a possible tattoo, and think i’m falling in love with where she has hers….thoughts?
– – –
on saturday, i accidentally deleted pretty much everything on my computer except for photos. everything i’ve written is gone, except for one file that was recovered. would anyone like to buy me an external harddrive since mine is broken?
– – –
a lot of the time, i feel like this:
– – –.
today’s thought:
love is what keeps hurt from becoming anger..
today is scattered.
– – –
the majority of us live somewhere between where we’re going and where we were, without ever Being in the middle, which is here.
– – –
last night, i came home to a post-it note on my backdoor. it was from my mom, which was odd enough, and this is what it read:
“hi lauren, i had a doctor’s appointment at osu med center so i thought i would stop by. i miss my lauren and i wish i knew how to love her. mom”
this is not to rant about my mom. i won’t give any background other than i rarely speak to my parents and they live half an hour from me. they have disowned me as their daughter in the name of God for my passion to live a greater Love than what Right and Wrong allow. that explanation leaves much to be desired; if you don’t know and want to, just ask.
this morning as i left for work, it struck me in reassurance that the christianity i have left has failed them. after 47 years of following the greatest Lover that has ever existed, and having the opportunity to be lavishly loved by Him, my mother still does not know how to love an individual (much less her daughter – even raw science is in her favor). i will humbly yet confidently make the assertion that the christianity she lives has failed her.
my heart breaks for her.
i take this as a challenge. to love her as God loves her.
– – –
Is your god really God?
Is my god really God?
I think our god isn’t God
If he fits inside our headsIs your love really love?
Is my love really love?
I think our love isn’t love
Unless it’s love to the end
“and jesus took the children in his arms, put his hands on them, and blessed them.”
this is the verse immediately following the disciples attempt to stop the children from coming to jesus, and him being indignant. [princeton defines indignant as “being angered by something unjust or wrong.”] on top of not realizing that jesus was angered, (not just bothered or disappointed, mind you, angered) i have never thought about that second part. i cannot fathom jesus taking me in his arms, setting me in his lap, resting his hands on my shoulders, and blessing me.
blessing is a word entirely overlooked in this short verse. i am so guilty of translating it as merely “something in the good category,” something nice, something “not bad.” a few of my close friends know that i have a ridiculous “percentage system” when it comes to the strength of words. (nice is a 10% word – entirely useless, don’t ever use it.) i have made the tragic mistake of marking “blessing” as a 20% or 30% word, when truly it’s probably up in the high 90’s.
definitions of blessing: [] the formal act of approving [] something highly favored and fortunate [] a special favor or mercy [] the invoking of favor from the God of the universe [] highest praise [] to protect and guard from harm [] to endow, as with talent and worth []
not a 20% word.
a blessing is the exact opposite of a curse. when jesus blesses, it’s not “i love you, i hope you have a good day today!” jesus puts his hands on his children, and blesses them.
i believe blessing is the purest form of imparting love and encompassing approval. it expects nothing in return, it is not a mutual exchange, and it is not something tainted with obligation or expectation. blessing says, “i wouldn’t change a single thing about you. i strongly desire the best of the best for you, and i give you all hope.”.
[one] age has nothing to do with maturity, reflection does.
– – –
[two] i’ve always been semi-obsessed with the concept of hands. which is odd because my sister is flat out obsessed with hands. i don’t know where this comes from, but this morning i stumbled upon something i’d written exactly a year ago (march 2008):
there is no other desire of mine than to have steady hands; a certainty absent of hesitation. clarity and conviction that leaves no room for disbelief or deception. tired of hands that shake, grasping the bar of grace that is low enough even for the one not strong enough to stand. grace provides all it requires – giving steady hands to any that asks.
– – –
[three] i’m really liking this photo of kristin from last week’s shoot:
