to the body that belongs to lauren nicole: i do call this a love letter, and it is one of love. the problem is, i’m not even at the place where i can tell you why i love you so much yet. i have too much to say i’m sorry for. so, as love requires, an apology.

dear you,

i need to apologize.

if you were a friend, you would have left this relationship long ago. and honestly? i would have understood. i never say my thanks, i never say i love you, and every gift i’ve given you was just because i wanted to make me to look better. not because i cared about you. i’ve been so unforgivably selfish.

if you were a lover, even the truest of the true, you would have given up on me. i can’t remember the last time i valued you for who you are. on my bad days – and there have been lots of them, you know – i assaulted you. i told you how disappointed i was in you. i listed all the things i hated about you. i made sure to hide you from certain people, because i was embarrassed to be seen with you. i judged you. i stood in front of the mirror and made sure you knew exactly why i hated you so much. and on my good days? our good days? i was content to tell you i wished that i had better – but that you would have to do for now.

now that i think about it, i’ve never treated anyone worse than i have you.

now that i think about it, i’m sorry doesn’t seem to cut it. but i’m going to try. i’m going to finally say everything i should have said long ago.

i’m sorry.

i’m sorry i’ve treated you like a burden, instead of a gift.

i’m sorry i’ve verbalized every single flaw, instead of finding joy in all of your perfection.

i’m sorry i’ve compared you to every woman i’ve seen, instead of making sure you knew you were loved.

i’m sorry for never thinking you were good enough.

i’m sorry for not defending you to others, and talking shit about you to my closest friends.

i’m sorry for hushing what you’ve wanted, and silencing every valuable thing you’ve wanted me to know.

i’m sorry that i made you an enemy, instead of an ally.

but most of all, i’m sorry that it’s taken me twenty four years to realize that we’re stuck together forever. twenty four years to ever realized i need to say i’m sorry.

maybe i need to apologize to each tiny piece of you. you’re so intricate and delicate, you know? i know. i know you so well. and i know every tiny piece has been so badly hurt by me.

i’m sorry, feet, for hiding you. it’s been embarrassing how you turn purple sometimes. the kids used to make fun of you, and it hurt my feelings.

i’m sorry, legs, for always telling you that you’re the only thing i’ve got going for me. that’s a lot of weight to carry, and i know i’m setting us up for failure.

i’m sorry, butt, for all the jokes that my parents made about you, and that i accepted them as the truth. i did learn to like you for the last couple years, but this year, it’s been really difficult again. i twist and try to see you in the mirror every day, and i’m sorry for wishing that one morning you’d just be less.

i’m sorry, tummy, for comparing you to photoshop every single day. it’s just so hard, you know? maybe you don’t. it really gets me down every morning. but i promise, i’m trying. i try to remember that one day, you’ll make a baby in there, all by yourself. that’s so beautiful. i’m trying to remember it.

i’m sorry, breasts, for all the things i’ve thought about you, that i won’t repeat again.

i’m sorry, back, for wishing you were better so that i could show you off in those sexy dresses.

i’m sorry, arms, for never getting all those beautiful tattoos i wanted years ago because i thought you were fat, and didn’t want to draw extra attention to you.

i’m sorry, lips, for spending so much money on lip gloss with chemicals that would change you. my husband tells me now that he thinks you’re perfect, and i promise to agree from now on. you really are.

i’m sorry, nose, for despising you since i was so little. i read once that every single woman hates her nose, and it must really suck to be you. i’m really going to work on it.

i’m sorry, eyes, for wishing you were brown my entire life. i don’t know where i got the idea that women with brown eyes are prettier, but you’re so beautiful. i want to let you be that.

dear everything. i’m so sorry that i have never been grateful.

you’ve done every single thing i’ve ever asked of you – except that one awful 10 mile hike – and i’ve never once said thank you. i only looked at you with disdain and asked why you couldn’t have looked better doing it.

and so, dear everything. dear body. dear self. dear cells that are more countless than the stars in the sky, who give flesh and bone to my soul, i love you.

even now, while i’m sad, while i sit here judging you, hating you, being disappointed by you – know that i’ve finally realized it isn’t you. it’s me.

and i promise to begin to change that.

promise. cross my heart, hope to die.

because we will one day, together, and i want to have lived having loved you. 

note: more ‘love letter to my body’ pieces can be found at the sheloves syncroblog project..

Kate: I know we have somewhat different views on modesty and I’m really just trying to understand where you based some of your views from. I do agree that a woman can not be responsible for a man’s sin, however, aren’t we not supposed to be stumbling blocks?

Me: Okay, so what’s super important to remember is that there are NO “rules” in all of this, regarding modesty & how we dress. So, what you wear can never “be a sin.” That’s nowhere in the Bible. There is no Biblical outline for types of clothing or square inches of skin that is right or wrong. That being said, how we dress is all subjective & our own responsibility, as it reflects our heart and our motives. It’s really this whole “what are the rules” that people get hung up on. If you tell someone there are no rules, then we get really uncomfortable and realize that we aren’t really “being righteous” or “sinning” by what we wear, and we can’t judge anyone else for it either. And it’s a natural human response. Trying to play a game without rules is really unnerving at first. Rules are way safer than just walking in freedom and love. Make sense so far?

Kate: Yes, I completely understand that.

Me: K. So if I say, “Dude its not a sin to eat cheesecake!” I’m not telling you to eat cheesecake for all 3 meals every day of the week. I’m just saying cheesecake isn’t inherently sinful. But if you’ve been told your WHOLE life to never eat cheesecake because “its a sin!!” then you’ll really freak out. And then you might think that my saying “cheesecake isn’t a sin” means = eat cheesecake all the time for all occasions! It’s a human nature fear-response to suddenly being told there is no black and white. We become personally responsible, and we lose our ability to judge others. So yeah, that can be scary.

Honestly, this is just straight up common sense. And common sense is what Paul was talking about in the Bible when he talks about not causing others to stumble. But unfortunately, we try to make everything in the Bible some sort of rule or command – which is WHY Jesus came – to say, “Hey. I’m fulfilling all the laws and commands by simply paying for all of your sins and giving you a new command: to love one another.” So, a Christian man (Paul) encouraging his friends to not be a stumbling block to one another, has turned into = “if you are involved somehow in someone’s sin then you are also responsible and this is a sin therefore NEVER DO ANYTHING that might POSSIBLY resemble sin because it’s selfish!” And that’s a consequence of choosing religion over Jesus. We turn principles and love into rules and commands. And we start trying to figure out if we’re guilty by association, too.

For example, lots of people use the alcoholic/beer analogy to talk about not being a stumbling block. If you’re going to a friend’s house who really struggles with drinking, you’re not gonna show up with a six pack. Now, even if you do, and that friend gets drunk, it’s not your fault ‘technically’ because everyone is ‘technically’ responsible for all their actions. But still, out of love, and since you know this person, it’d just be dumb to spend the night drinking in front of him. But we take that analogy and spin it to “we should never take a drink anywhere because someone might see us and stumble.” Which is just flat out ridiculous. So, as a result we have all these Christians having a beer with dinner behind closed doors terrified that someone else in their church will find out they drink and then “Stumble” as a result, or that they’ll get called out for doing something somewhere that could possible cause someone to stumble.

The exact same goes for how we treat modesty in the church. And this is a wildly dangerous metaphor – because a woman’s body is nothing like a beer. So, we start saying that the human body in and of itself leads to sexual sin, instead of correlating LUST with sexual sin. And we start saying things like “don’t wear a v-neck because it will make your brother stumble!” when in reality what we shouldn’t be doing is handing him a subscription of Playboy. And I don’t see girls in church doing that, so we’re pretty okay I think.

Kate: Yeah, I totally get that. I get that ultimately you’re responsible for yourself. But at the same time, using that same analogy, men as a whole struggle with physical things such as lust… so wouldn’t it not be in their best interest for the Christian sisters to wear things that would cause them to stumble?

Me: Okay so, as a generic statement, yeah I would agree with that. The problem is, what are you ACTUALLY saying when we say that? Let me say this: If I’m hanging out with guys from church at a church event, I’m probably not gonna wear the most revealing top in my closet, because that would just make me uncomfortable. It personally really annoys me when guys look at my boobs instead of my face. And for sure, if your neckline is revealing 75% of your breasts, a guy will look and see it and be drawn towards that. It’s interesting to note that this is just “usually true” not universally true. Really revealing tops make me stare at women sometimes, primarily because I was raised in an environment where I never saw a woman wearing anything but turtlenecks. I understand completely the “not being able to look away” phenomenon that happens sometimes. So yeah, there is an element of novelty that causes staring. But it’s really important to clarify that staring/a distraction is not equal to sin or lust. It’s when we start mentally and emotionally interacting with something that isn’t ours for the having, does it become a heart-problem. So, when I make the decision to not wear a deep v-neck to get coffee with a guy friend, it’s because I’d just flat out rather not have my boobs be a distraction to the human being that I’m trying to hold a conversation with.

Kate: Haha, having 34A’s, that’s never really been a problem for me…but continue.

Me: I absolutely encourage everyone to just flat out have common sense when they choose what they’re wearing. The problem is that we have a generation of people who WILDLY disagree on what “causes men to stumble.” And then when we disagree, we judge women – and judge them hard – for having a different understanding of what causes men to stumble. And this, exactly, is the whole entire problem with “rules.” I mean, my mom thinks me wearing skinny jeans causes men to stumble, for example. In highschool I was 5’7″ 110lbs and my mom made me wear size 10 jeans to hide my butt and legs because they are “distracting to men.” So obviously, you and I look at that and say, “Well your mom is just crazy, I can wear skinny jeans” – but for her, she GENUINELY believes I am sinning by thinking of myself before being considerate in front of other men (and women) and shamed me privately and publicly for, I felt, just existing. And THAT mindset/behavior is what I am trying to debunk. (It’s important to note that because of my mom’s intolerance of my body, I was convinced for years that all men saw in me was sex, so I didn’t know how to treat them as genuine people with real personalities. This is why we as women need to be REALLY careful what we’re teaching and how we’re teaching modesty.)

Kate: I do believe a lot of it amounts to common sense and a lot of it is personal preference. My sister is Muslim, wears hijab by choice, but she’s a huge advocate of men “lowering their gaze” which is a very common thing in Arab/Muslim culture which I haven’t really found anything similar to in America or Christianity. But its based on the idea that men are ultimately responsible for themselves so even if a girl is walking around the mall in just her bikini, it’s ultimately the guy’s fault if he sins because he can “lower his gaze”. So anyway, when I read some of the things you were saying regarding modesty I felt you were somewhat attacking people like my sister who do practice what some people would consider extreme forms of modesty. I totally get that’s not the case now… but when I was reading some of the things you were saying, it felt that way.

Me: fascinating.

Kate: Then, about two weeks ago I reread everything and started to rethink my thoughts on “modesty” and sex and just everything in general. I’ve always been ostracized in my church for the most part because I have tattoos and piercings. It’s not considered “modest”. So it really got me thinking on how judgmental I am towards what girls wear.

Me: Well, I’m really sorry you felt that I was attacking that idea. 🙁 I didn’t mean to imply that at all. Personally, I really respect women who dress modestly because they themselves choose to. (There’s a difference between a true personal conscious choice and a religiously instigated guilt-decision.) Look, if you value your body and really want to save your beautiful assets for one man, then PLEASE go and do so in peace. I can really admire that. Just know that because another woman is “flaunting what she’s got” or showing more skin than what you are personally comfortable with, does not mean she’s a slut or a terrible Christian or a participant in sexual sin. Half the world thinks I’m too modest and the other half thinks I’m scandalous. Modesty is entirely subjective, and this is what we keep forgetting.

And yep I’ve been realizing I’m super judgemental too. :\ I’m working on it. Ok, so here is an interesting question for you. Have you ever looked at a girl wearing something revealing (to any extent) and thought “dude she is suuuper sexy.” And then moved along with your day?

Kate: No, unfortunately, I’ve been trained to look at her and think “what a whore” and feel really sad for her the rest of the day.

Me: Ah. Well there we have it. That’s what I used to think too. 🙁 And when it’s that black and white, we can all agree that’s 100% judgement and not love, which is the OPPOSITE of what we’re asked to do by Jesus. And it’s also seeing her outward appearance, and not for who she is.

Okay so now, lets hypothetically say you’re at the stage where I’m at, where I see women sometimes and think “man shes really sexy” or “wow she’s beautiful” or “wow, she has a great body” and then move along. Thought ends.

Kate: I think the word “sexy” is what I’m struggling with.

Me: So, there is nothing inherently wrong or sinful with me observing how attractive I think another human being is. Women do it. Men do it. We both do it towards same sex and opposite sex, despite all sexual orientation. It’s strictly natural observation, without having ACTUAL sexual thoughts (IE. lust). I’m surprised to find how rare this is among people raised religiously, although it makes sense because we’ve been raised w/such fear of the human body and of sex.

Kate: I think that’s where it gets murky for me. I never thought it was possible to see things like that and not think lustful thoughts.

Me: RIGHT. Traditional Christianity has tied together the human body with lust, and ALL attractive people with sexual sin. I can look at a woman and acknowledge that shes really attractive or hot or sexy or WHATEVER word you want to call it, and move right along, and be totally fine. If anything, that’s a positive thing for me to be able to do. But LUST is thinking about her body for the next 5 or 30 mins (or the rest of the day) and fantasizing about her, and thinking about fucking her, etc etc. THAT. is what the problem is.

So, once people understand WHAT lust actually is, it becomes much more understandable that the way a woman dresses is pretty much unrelated to how a man thinks of her, and how a man chooses to allow his thoughts to continue or end immediately.

Kate: I think that’s what I really didn’t understand. What I have ingrained in my head is that lust is that 1-2 second thought when you see a woman. It doesn’t even have to be a full second. But seeing her and thinking she’s sexy, you’ve already committed a sin.

Me: yeah :\ A lot of people think the exact same thing. And yeah, that is totally not true.

Kate: That’s why I really struggle with the word sexy. Not so much anymore but in the beginning, I used to cringe at how freely you used it, ha.

Me: I mean just sit on that thought for awhile and think about how ridiculous it really is.

Kate: Oh I totally get it’s ridiculous. Trust me, ha. I just don’t have anyone that I can openly say it’s ridiculous to. In my church women would say things like, “you’re really pretty” and my natural thought would be to smile and say “thank you” but then I realized it wasn’t a good thing, they weren’t meaning it in a good way. I even had one of our leaders tell me that I’m going to struggle with my beauty because men aren’t going to be able to “handle it”. That pretty much devastated me and that was the last time I went to church. And I spent months after that thinking there was something wrong with me. I never wore makeup until a few week ago because I thought that would just make things worse/harder for men.

Me: oh myyyyyy goddddddd

Kate: I don’t know how to de-program my brain basically.

Me: Yeah :\ Well, it takes time. Don’t be afraid of trying. You don’t have to be scared of anything. Give yourself time and the freedom to sit down and write down on a piece of paper what you believe, or what you used to. And write out why, and what you believe, and what you want to believe. Look, here’s the deal. God made you. And he made you a woman. So he inherently made you beautiful. God doesn’t make things a certain way without a purpose. So you know that you are beautiful for a very specific reason, and that it’s a GOOD, good thing. Never feel like you have to hide your beauty because it’s a “bad” thing.

And whenever you’re unsure of what you believe, or what’s right and wrong, just remove yourself from trying to figure it out and try to focus on getting to learn more of who God is. Because who God IS, helps us understand what he MEANS.

Kate: Ah, yes. Thank you.

Me: joy, love, worth, value, encouragement, freedom, life. Those things are from God, and of God. Shame, guilt, hiding, dark, secrets, fear. Those are not..

I wanted to introduce a little mini-blog I’ve started over on Tumblr. It’s not meant to be a secondary blog of mine, but rather a hub for the gems the pass in and out of my life.

Between running Good Women Project and writing here on my blog, I get to share and hear so many stories. Sometimes women ask questions, and sometimes I have the answers. And sometimes I just need to bookmark incredible things that I want to be shared with everyone.

And with that introduction, I’d love for you to bookmark asklauren.tumblr.com or follow me if you’re on Tumblr.

Today I answered an anonymous question that I wanted to post here:

“Lauren – – I love reading the posts on your blog as well as The Good Women Project. I was wondering if you could touch on this term “good” in a little more detail. What does “good” mean for women who see themselves outside the landscape of purity? I’ve read some comments recently on posts that seem to see this word as isolating and judgmental – – for example, that somehow if they have had premarital sex they must not be “good women.” Any thoughts?”

Answer: Ooo my heart. A year and a half ago I was out behind a post-hardcore/metal venue with a dozen sweaty musicians praying over me as I stood in shock while my world imploded on me. It was one of those moments where time stops and you try to figure out how you ended up here. Needing this. In that moment, I realized that I no longer had any hope for being good. I no longer saw myself as good. And no one else did either. I had finally achieved what a sick part of me had always wanted – to be just like everyone else.

And I had lost all respect for myself.

I grew up as “the good girl.” And yes, you are right. The traditional definition of ‘good girl’ as defined by the church alludes primarily to her purity. Which I no longer had. When I lost ‘my purity’ (I’d argue can happen without physically having sex – but in a mental/emotional capacity), I still wanted to be the good girl, but I lost a lot of respect for myself. I also was having an inner battle: The kind of good that I had grown up being was not the kind of good I wanted to be. The old kind of good came from following the rules, and I failed. I needed a kind of good that came from love, that gave life and not death.

I was somewhere between a girl and a woman, and I knew for a fact I was no longer a girl, but I could in no way call myself a good woman. And I had no idea what even defined a good woman. I just knew I wasn’t it. But it’s interesting that even Jesus stood up against a man who asked Him how to be good. Jesus said, “Why do you call me good?! No one is good, only God alone.” (Luke 18:19)

“Good” is not a condition that is defined or un-defined by your past, your history, your church attendance, your appearance, or even your current sex life. I have learned that “good” is the position of your heart towards Jesus and your future, and in turn is the actual condition of your heart. We can live life with or without Jesus, and apart from him, we have no hope of ever being good – because He himself is our Righteousness. (II Corinthians 5:21)

”Good” is a woman who admits that she cannot be good on her own, so she pursues Jesus, because through him her life is redeemed and she finds life and love. ”Good” is choosing to believe you have value because Jesus said you do. “Good” is having hope in your future again because God makes all things new, and gives every minute, intricate detail of your past a purpose again. “Good” is learning to start over again and hold God’s hand while you walk and strive to understand the purpose of his commands while you obey them with his help.

In that moment behind the venue, I desperately wanted to be a good woman.

And in all humility, a year and a half later, I can say that I am. Not because I no longer make mistakes, but because I’ve given the whole of my heart and life over to Jesus again. Not because I am the poster child for a Perfect Woman or Perfect Wife, but because I have dug my heels in and allowed God to define my value, my worth and my future. And I’ve fought to keep the position of my heart turned towards Jesus and my future.

I am good again because I’ve started trying again, and trying with the right Person.

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