+ my new babies! +

I HAVE AN UNREASONABLE LOVE FOR BABY PLANTS.

YES. This morning I went on the hunt for a handful of herbs to put in my windowsills. I miss gardening ohsomuch, and have no room to do so here, but indoor herbs I can manage. I’ve been doing my best to support local businesses recently, so I resisted the urge to default to Home Depot or Lowes, and went down the street to the ConcreteJungle in the Short North. Found my lovely thyme, lavendar, mint, oregano and rosemary and brought them home!


Dug up some cute little pot-alternatives on my weekly thrifting trip, and love them.

Also, last night I went to Wonderland with Krista. What an awesome place. I’m kind of loving Columbus this week. Shhh don’t tell. ๐Ÿ™‚

SO HAPPY.

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+ the postal service. +

I have been developing a renewed love for the postal service. First, because Recycled Air by The Postal Service has been one of my favorite songs for six years now – I even put it on Tumblr so you can listen to it here. Secondly, my darling friend Lauren sends me the most incredible letters and packages. They are all amazingly unique, and you can check out her blog, Letters, She Wrote. Today, I came home to find this little adorable thing waiting for me, with a little canvas bag inside of it:

This new love for the postal service has also resulted in my Free Prints Wednesday project. I’ve only shouted about it on twitter and my tumblr so far, but will probably stick a little note in here on Wednesdays from now on. So yes, be warned. If you want a free print mailed to you, pay attention to me on Wednesdays! The first 5 people to email their snail mail address to me, after my ready-set-go, get the print. ๐Ÿ™‚.

+ movement. girl: sold. +

spindly legs
just like the spokes
uphill
down
so much up
so much down

freckles, spindles
long and lean
clean
so much clean
so much clean

just like that
no just like this
blue
so much blue
always, always blue

eight miles
two thousand and eight miles
two thousand and five, miles
miles
so much coming
so much going

spindles sold
spindly sold
sold
not enough girl
too much, girl

girl: sold.

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+ light. +

GUESS WHAT?!

I changed my major back to art. Finally. And I’m sticking with it. I’m sorry for all the delays in posting. ๐Ÿ™ But, below is a photo I snapped today while shooting around for a photography project. Yes, a photography class. My first one ever.

The weather is bright and warm and all my problems are solved. It’s amazing how much differently I see my life once the sun comes out. Everything is re-aligning. Beautiful, beautiful.

P.S. I got a bicycle! A cute little Schwinn. I’ll post soon.

P.P.S. Never write about a place until you’re away from it, because that gives you perspective. [ Ernest Hemingway ].

+ pretty. jewelry. +

exhausted.

got happy pills today to try to combat this awful weather and the hormones that god so graciously blessed me with.

trying to keep track of all the life lessons i’m learning.

woke up at 5am and needed coffee all day; didn’t get it til 10pm. timing fail.

got two little baby fishies, sabo & gordon. they are oh so cute.

and, have a nice little photograph of two bracelets i made. yay.

how’s everyone’s new year going so far?.

twenty ten.

happy new year!

i played with the idea of posting my resolutions,
but since most of them are about doing things,
i thought i’d post what i’ve done so far. ๐Ÿ™‚


///// writing /////

///// painting + drawing /////

///// multimedia /////

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+ flickr feature: lona +

I’ve been playing with the idea of interviewing and featuring new photographers on my blog on a weekly basis, and decided to just go for it. The first talented lady is Lona, from Amsterdam, whose work I’ve fallen in love with over the last couple months. I love Lona for her incredible ability to capture nature’s absolute calm, and to somehow make nearly every photograph seem outside of time. I want to just be there in every photo she takes. Oh, and did I mention that she’s both beautiful and adorable? You can view her Flickr stream here! Her website, prettypoppies, is under construction and will be fully functioning within a few weeks.

Lona

+ So, you live in Amsterdam. Were you born here?
No, I was actually born in the north of the Netherlands, in a town called Groningen. I moved to Wales in 2000 to live with my then boyfriend and after that we lived in Bristol, England for a few years. I eventually moved back to Groningen and about a year and a half ago I quite spontaneously decided to try out life in Amsterdam.

+ When did you first start experimenting with photography, and how old are you now?
I remember my father always being into photography and me having NO interest whatsoever. Then when I was about 21 I got a Pentax point and shoot camera for my birthday and from then on I was addicted. I got a minolta x300 from a friend (which I still use to this day!) and then my first digital camera. I am 30 years old now and still learning and loving it more every day.

+ It seems that some of us pick up photography because we stumble upon a photograph that captures us and we desperately want to pursue the ability to replicate the intensity of emotion expressed in it, while some of us find a camera in our hands, play around a bit, discover a love for it and continue to evolve through it. Which of these are you? Little of both? Something else?
Definitely the latter. To be honest I think for me it has been escapism to start with. There have been some bad events in my life, the worst of which has been losing my mother. I have been battling depression for years and photography is my escape to a better place, where I can focus on all that is good in life. It helps me remember there is beauty in the world, it relaxes me and it really does make me happy.

+ Where does photography fit into your life now? Is it daily or just when it hits you? Something you want to use as a source of income, or keep as a hobby?
It was always a hobby and I never considered whether I was good or not, it was just something I enjoyed immensely. Since joining Flickr and getting feedback from others my confidence has grown and I am considering trying to make a living out of it. I have always wondered what it was that I really wanted to do with my life careerwise, and although I am still a little too scared to admit it, photography might just be it. I only realised the other day that I think in ‘frames’ all day long. Wherever I go I look out for good photo opportunities. I think I have been doing it for years and it really annoys me to come across a perfect moment and not have a camera on me!

+ I notice you shoot with a few cameras and types of film. What do you use, and which is closest to your heart?
I currently own a digital Fuji Finepix 602Zoom which is OLD, but I adore it. It does everything I want from a digital camera. Then there is my old Minolta x-300, the Holga, the Agfa Clack, (both medium format) a polaroid camera I never really use and the Agfa Isolette. The last is the love of my life, a medium format foldout camera. I also sometimes use my dad’s digital SLR, a Pentax K200D and an Olympus Pen half frame camera. I mostly use Fuji, Kodak and Ilford 120 film or any old 35 mm film I can get my hands on! I’m saving up to buy another medium format camera, I would love a Hasselblad, but since I won’t be able to afford it, it will either be a Kiev or a Rolleiflex. Oh, and I would like a digital SLR, haha.

+ How did you get into collecting cameras, and how did you learn what you know about them? Are you primarily self-taught or have you had a mentor or teacher that’s helped you grow?
I’d say that almost everything I know today is a combination of trial and error and my father’s immense knowledge. He taught me practically all I know about manual settings on the older cameras and what different lenses and filters do. This is the technical side. The artistic side, or the ‘eye’ as they call it probably is something that you either have or don’t… Collecting cameras is something most photographers will want to do, I think, just because different cameras give different results and it’s interesting to play around with that.

+ I believe all photographers have a driving force behind what they love to shoot, even if it’s still developing. For me, it’s beauty. I usually find it in eyes, and in femininity. Are there a few things that drive you?
For me it’s definitely nature, which is my biggest source of inspiration, and small details in life that a lot of people overlook. There are so many beautiful little things in life that can make you smile and I really hope that by capturing those on film, that it makes others smile as well. Lately I have been trying out portraits instead of ‘stills’ so this is a new challenge, I really like to try and do the same thing, focusing on beauty and interesting things in people.

+ I can definitely see that. One of the things I love so much about you is your versatility between capturing emotion in nature and then in a person. I can also tell by your photostream that your style has developed a lot over the last year or so. Was there an internal or external influence that helped refine it?
I think I just started taking it more seriously. Where before I would shoot just anything I’d come across, hoping for a good result, nowadays I take more time to plan and think about the photos. I also have been trying to discover my own ‘style’ and playing with that, to see what feels right and what works for me.

+ When you want to browse other’s works online, who are the first three people you go to?
I mostly use Flickr to browse other work, it’s really hard to pick only 3 favourites!! There are so many talented people, all with their own unique style…I would say that right now my favourites are
flickr.com/popsongs
flickr.com/daniel_klass
flickr.com/peachplumpearblah

+ Amazing. I am in love with popsongs. Is there a photo you are most proud of?
I tend to pick ones that have huge sentimental value for me, but the one that I am most proud of right now is probably because it captures exactly what I love most; the sort of serene magic of nature and the feeling it gives me:

+ I absolutely love that entire mist series you did while in Groningen. Do you sell any of your prints?
I never did, but did recently sign a contract with a stock library, so hopefully I will start making some money soon(haha)and I have also been working on a book. It still amazes me that people would pay money for something I made!

+ The only thing your Flickr profile tells me about you is that you’re a fellow bookworm. Favorite author, genre, and book please!
I really love the classics, and mostly English Literature. My favourite authors are Jane Austen and Virginia Woolf. Favourite books: Persuasion and The Waves.
I do admit I have been neglecting the really good Dutch authors…which is awful since I do work in a book store. ๐Ÿ™‚ I’m trying to catch up!

+ Alright, you knew it was coming! Tell me something absolutely ridiculous about yourself, that you’d much prefer no one to know.
I absolutely hate onions and won’t eat anything that has onions in it. Haha, I don’t really have any other weird secrets! Oh and I love rugby, when I tell people they always think I am joking!

+ Anything you’d like to leave us with?
Just that I hope people will like my work and that everyone should find something they enjoy this much. ๐Ÿ™‚

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+ pretttttty. +

My room is still a work in progress, as is everything in my life. Here are some pretty new additions as of yesterday’s little hunting trip. I’m working on pampering myself this weekend, in part because the concept of my deserving it is brand new, and also because my birthday is on Tuesday! I’ve never been a birthday or holiday person, but I’m working on learning to love them. They make me uncomfortable and seem to bring out the missing parts of people and families, but I am going to stubbornly work to overcome those bits and pieces. ๐Ÿ™‚




In continuation of pampering myself, I am off to get my hair cut and colored and hopefully visit a beautiful park before I tackle a finances class this evening.

– – –

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, then I beg him to open his eyes, and to see. Too many live their lives with their eyes closed tightly, seeing none of the beauty that is before them. .

+ a thank you, and lydia. +

An incredible thank you to everyone that stopped what they were doing this past week to encourage me in the form of comments, emails, texts, phone calls, letters at my doorstep, packages in the mail, tweets, food, prayer and hugs. Every time I hit rock bottom I have the ability to see myself a little clearer. I’m doing better: trying to let myself rest, I will be taking an embarrassingly easy load next quarter, focusing on what I love a little more, and remembering to set my heart on things above (*). Thank you, everyone – I love you all and am so grateful for so many that care. I am blessed.

– – –

On Friday evening I took a couple hours to shoot the beautiful Lydia. JUST FOR FUN. Yes that’s right, hehe. And it was so enjoyable. I wanted to do some portrait work that was a little softer, a little more feminine and a little closer to what I’ve been feeling over the last few months. Here’s a few photos from the shoot, and the rest you can find here. You can click each photo for a bigger view (I recommend this, hah).

– – –

* “Set your hearts on things above…” Col 2:20.

+ okay life, you win. +

Well, I hope you all are ready for some honesty here.

I’m falling apart.

Which is odd, because I should be used to it by now, but what I’m not used to is bawling when strangers ask me if I need help finding where I’m going, or coming home, sitting down on my bed and crying because I’m too tired to take my shoes off. I’m not used to crying over a scripted MTV show within the first 60 seconds of my five minutes watching while I inhale my cereal if I remember to eat breakfast. Having zero control of my emotions is new. I’m also scared that my heart keeps skipping beats when I’m a healthy 21 (okay I’ll be 22 in about a week, but still) year old, and that I’ve struggled to keep food down over the last four days because I instantly get sick as soon as I eat. I know I’m doing too much. Enough people have told me, and I believe it now. I’ve finally adjusted myself to the fact that too much CAN be too much, and that I can’t do everything.

So, now I get to make decisions.

And I suck at making decisions. Because making decisions means knowing what you’re chasing. And chasing something means not chasing other things, and focusing on certain things means not focusing on others. It means acknowledging that you will close doors, and choose to miss out on opportunities. I’ve described myself as an ADHD perfectionist, which basically means have chronic stress, hehe. I throw myself into new interests left and right, but won’t be happy unless I can do them all well. I also seem to have an inordinate amount of compassion – and I’m not quite sure it’s the healthy kind. When I see a hurting person, or an imperfect situation, I can’t rest until I’ve done all I can to make it better. And if I can’t, it eats and eats and eats at me, and usually makes me physically sick.

So, right now I’m working 40 hours a week, taking 16 credit hours at OSU (and have all A’s so far, thank you), balancing some of the most draining & challenging family issues out there, still adjusting to learning how to not have parents to talk to, taking care of and supporting my 17 year old brother, and trying to appease my craving for photography, painting, making jewelry, decorating my house, web & graphic design, cooking, and on and on. [sidenote: my heart has skipped four times since starting this post – should I be worried?] All of the weight has been placed on my shoulders for every relationship within my family, and it’s set up for me to lose, and be at fault or responsible, for everything. I’m only a daughter, and a sister, and these are two roles I haven’t been able to experience for 6+ years.

I don’t know if my major (comparative studies) is actually what I want to do. I don’t know if I should justify switching back to an art program for school. And I don’t know if I should quit my job so that I can ACTUALLY learn what I’m going to school for and be able to sleep and make friends and study abroad and eat food and all of those some-fun-some-necessary things. And go back to being an honors student and make use of the mind God blessed me with. And honestly, I don’t even know if I want to be in the States right now. There is a really strong argument for me needing to get out and get away and see the world while I can – and I could, if I wanted, and if I tried.

I have no idea what I’m good enough at to bother pursuing. Just because I can handle a camera or a needle and thread or paint my walls or put words on paper a little bit better than the average person that’s never had the time or desire to try does not mean (to me) that I should pursue a field in that. I don’t know who to ask, or how to begin to decide what I want.

Oh, and did I mention I’m lonely? And terrified of being needy and emotional and the girl with daddy issues? Because that’s who I am right now.

Help.

– – –

I also just realized, this moment, that I have trouble publically admitting that I’m not doing well, because in the past it has been used against me as an attack of my worth, and proof that it’s a consequence of my sin, or that I can’t make it through life without unnamed person(s). You know what I have to say to that? To hell with you for making me believe that, and for still holding it over me. My God tells me otherwise.

– – –

Oops almost forgot.
This is the newest photo from my four30 project. Isn’t it cute?
A vintage necklace I found with a unicorn engraved in it.
One of my favorite necklaces ever.

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