Preface: I am writing this because during my years as an unmarried woman having sex, I felt that everything written, spoken, or preached to me was solely to persuade me to stop having sex. I desperately wished someone would have abandoned the topic in order to speak to me where I was at, without their desperate attempts to end sex in my life. Even when most had good motives, I needed someone to write a letter to me, Lauren, and not to The Not-A-Virgin-Anymore. This evening, I rallied my past and my present, and wrote the words I craved for years and years.

Hello, lovely.

Before we begin, would you get a little piece of paper? Please?

Write out your full name.

You are this particular woman. You cannot escape it. Do you know this?

You will never be another. You cannot escape it. Do you know this?

Tomorrow, the day after, and all the days: You are this woman.

And thank goodness, because you are the only person who deserves to make the most of everything you have experienced this far. 

And thank goodness, because you have within you a capacity for Love that you would not believe even if you were told.*

* * *

I want to say that I see you. I am you. I was you, a long time ago. I will be you. We are.

Love sees you. Love knows you. Love adores you.

Goodness, hate, closeness, abandonment, purity, brokenness, wholeness, confusion, clarity, trying so hard, and given up. He looks at you and sees nothing but the infant girl that was born into this magnificent world, this middle ground, this holding place. This universe in which we only see in part.

You are three years old. You are five. You are seven. You are standing in the grass, in the backyard, by the impatiens, by the trees. You laugh at the wind, you smile for a camera, because It Is. Because You Are. You know nothing, except how to Be.

Joy, infinite, as it was created to be. Innocence, eternal. Embedded permanently into every cell of your being as your shoulders caved and your back broke as you wept that you needed Something, Someone – and Love promised to be there. Innocence, eternal.

Do you know that this is what you are? Do you know that this is who you are? Do you know that you are white as snow, pure as gold, spotless as your baby teeth in the family videos splashed across your mother’s TV that you will never again sit in front of because she no longer sees you the way that Love does?

Do you know that condemnation, loneliness, hatred, failure, and Innocence Lost are only lies you have thrust upon yourself**, and words that Friends and Church and Family have pelted at the sky in a way that has fractured your heart as they have rained upon you and everyone around you?

Do you know that you are still Joy, infinite; Innocence, eternal; The Name Of Your Heart, written upon His hand?

These are things I forgot. These are things that broke over me in the shower, in my bed, in his bed, in our bed, on my walks, in my mirror, in my pages, in their pews, in my home, in my breathing and numbness and depression and even in my laughter, my happiness, my beauty.

These are things that I put aside as I sang that Love is here and Love still remains, that He is my Father and I am His daughter. These are things that I left at the church door, and clothed myself with again as soon as I left How Great Thou Art. These are things that I remembered and remembered well but only so long as I did not, could not face that which we have named That One Thing.

And so I fall into a thousand pieces alone, and with you, Girl who feels guilty and confused and angry at the hypocrisy and the expectation and the Great Ache.

And so I remember the nights I felt it was wrong, the mornings I felt it was nothing at all; always backwards for me and never anyone else. But grief, it comes with the night, and joy, it comes in the morning. Maybe this is a great truth that the Lover has given us in all things, not just his own.

* * *

I write to you, past-present-and-future Self, and to you, girl-I-do-not-know-by-name-but-can-see-from-here: I write to you because I wish that someone had written to me. 

I wish that someone had just stop, stop, STOPPED for one moment and seen me as a person with a heart, a mind, with intelligence, with thoughts and feelings and with damned good reasons – and not as the statistical young white Evangelical female who was raised right and fell out of virginity, left to sit silent in her bracket until she picked up the Purity Ring once again and joined the ranks of Did It Wrong But Am Back To Right Again.

I wish that someone had let up on me for just once, because I know all of these things they tell me. I fear everything they scare me with. I think about all the revelations-that-keep-you-from-sexual immorality before you preach them to me. I know what you believe, what I believe, but I am Woman and so help me God I am not A Belief.

Maybe we chose It because We Are Now and we are scared that later may never come. Maybe we chose It because we knew the risks and we rolled the dice in favor of passion, love, comfort, and warmth. Maybe we chose It because we were terrified of the dark nights and even darker mornings. Maybe we chose It because They told us not to. Maybe we chose It because It knocked on our door and embraced us and promised to never let us go and It arrived in feelings and waves, and not in conscious decisions like we always thought It would. Maybe we chose It because It was and is everything we want, and do you know, it will be okay even then – even then when we are in that place? Maybe we chose It because we felt there was no better option. Maybe we did not choose It at all; some of us do not have the luxury of choice in a world where Men can thrust our decisions upon us as they pin our hands behind the arch of our back and repeat the words we’d heard from another man so very long ago.

Maybe we still do not know, and now we see the ghosted image of who we were, reflected back at us as we sit in ice cream parlor window seats and write in hopes of finally understanding.

Maybe the mothers and fathers and preachers and friends and everyone around us want to love us, protect us, but their words sound like things much more dangerous than the hand on your leg and the kiss on your chest. Darling, I know. I know.

* * *

I write the words I wish had appeared long ago, on a piece of paper on my kitchen table:

You are still you. I swear to you, you are.

Your future has not been ruined.

Your value remains.

Opportunity has not been lost.

These things sink deeper than your skin, yes, but God has sealed your heart in His Name and the great mystery is that we are made Untouchable by Grace.

You are not damaged.

Your wholeness comes not in Right-ness but in Love given to you by your Maker, and learning how to see yourself as He does.

You are capable of making any decision you wish to make today, or tomorrow.

It is okay if you cannot make the change you wish you could today.

It is okay to not be strong.

It is okay that you are confused.

There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ***, and this more than includes That One Thing.

You will give birth to a resiliency that shines brighter than the sun.

The heart is a muscle and it operates like one; these things strengthen you. You have not given your heart away and lost your ability to take it back. Women have survived and risen up despite brutality, gang rape, famines, the Holocaust, assault, torture, barrenness, and divorce: You will not be destroyed or permanently handicapped by a severed romance or loss of virginity.

You will marry a man that turns your past into a shadow, and your old self into a whisper that sings praises of redemption. Your bad decisions, your good-decisions-gone-wrong, your I’m-not-sure decisions will all swell into a wave of Peace as you realize that the man who truly Loves you has just taken an oath before God to see you as a new creation and he rejoices in the strength you have derived from Every Day You Have Ever Lived.

You are still you. Put it on a post-it and stare it down daily.

Forgiveness and understanding do not come only after you gather the healing and courage and strength to leave; they arrived and attached themselves to you the day you first asked them to. And they will stay with you every waking moment. You will find more strength in that fact alone than you ever will find within yourself.

God has not forsaken you and refused to return until you forsake That One Thing.**** It is in the deepest moments of questioning that you will hear Him, again and again, and get to know Him more than any other time in your life. Do not miss out on them simply because you think He has nothing to say until you can Heal Yourself or Change Your Ways. It is in our weakness that his strength is perfected.

* * *

And so, here is everything I wish had been said to me. Here we are. With our decisions to sleep with him, or to not sleep with him. With our desires to change, or our desires to stay the same.

For me, I wanted both.

But I only had the strength for him. For them. The one who asked nothing from me or of me, and who gave love and comfort and pleasure and rest. The one who held me when I cried and kept my body alive when I could not do it myself. The one who did not ask me to change, to become someone I was not, nor to face my weakness.

I understand. I believe that for some of us, this is necessary to our story. Sometimes it feels as though others chose the things that have become our story, and that is okay. Weakness, whether it be physical, emotional, or mental – it is something to be taken seriously, and speaks of our Great Need for one another.

I will tell you that one day, in a moment of extreme pain, I heard a whisper that flamed into a burning sensation in my chest. I heard it say, “I require nothing but weakness. We are still here, and we are still here together. I have written your name on the palm of my hand and I have called you in the darkness so that you would know it was I.”

I gave my weakness a chance. I gave his strength a chance. I fell, and fell often, as we all do. It was new for me, and I found a new Love.

I pray for you, as I do for myself, that we would continue to learn how to allow ourselves to be weak in order that we may find a Love that transcends everything we do know and everything we don’t.

But remember: no matter your weakness, or your strength, you are alive. And you are Joy, infinite; Innocence, eternal.

Do not leave their sides. They have not left yours.

---

* Look and watch– and be utterly amazed. For I am going to do something in your days that you would not believe, even if you were told. Habakkuk 1:5
** I will remember their sins no more. Hebrews 8:12
*** Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death. Romans 8:12
**** Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Deuteronomy 31:6, Hebrews 13:5

– Comments addressing or attempting to derive my position on “is sex a sin or not” will be moderated. Thank you for understanding. – 

 

the hardest, greatest thing i have learned since getting married is that my husband is first a person, second a man. 

i grew up hearing that men and women are so different. opposites. things about venus, mars, and spaghetti. 

* * *

men need sex. women need emotional intimacy. 

men need respect. women need love. 

men watch sports. women go shopping. 

* * *

over the weekend i read yet another christian list of “ten ways to show love by respecting your husband!”

be kind. don’t interrupt him when he’s speaking. show interest in sex. join him in activities. etc.

and as i read this list, i thought, i want every single one of these things from my husband.

even in our own childish answers, we give away what we will not admit:

love is a universal language, and humanity is one species, not two.

love is an individual language, and humanity is billions of hearts, not two.

* * *

nearly every difference, struggle, or misunderstanding between my husband and i has hinged not upon the fact that ‘he is a man’ and ‘i am a woman,’ but that we are not the same person. 

nearly every failed expectation i have found in my marriage was created by the idea that my husband, a person, would be a very specific type of person because he was a man.

and that me, the wife, would be able to solve the problem in a very specific manner, as a woman.

* * *

when we read books about marriage and relationships, particularly in the christian circles, we tend to study the opposite gender – as if to discover and prepare everything about a person before we meet them.

the God of the universe has not created more than nine million species of animals, only to create two types of people.

he has not created more than three hundred and fifteen thousand species of plants, only to create “a man” and “a woman.”

he has created, instead, billions of wildly unique individuals.

billions of wildly unique individuals with souls and spirits so deep and complex that he says only he will ever know each of us fully.

how, i ask you, could we ever know them by a book about men, a sermon about our differences, our parents’ advice about women, a conference, a blog.

how, i ask you, could we ever know them by anyone other than they themselves.

* * *

every relationship i entered into has been shallow, broken, and distanced.

i entered them as a woman, and not as lauren.

i held relationships with ‘men,’ and not with the living, breathing souls that God created in his image.

in the past, i have sought to understand ‘men’ instead of the person right in front of me.

and i have expected myself to be ‘woman,’ ignoring my very own heartbeat.

i missed out on living life with another real person, because i thought i simply needed to learn how to live successfully with ‘a man.’

* * *

a man who defines love by sex, respect, or authority shown is an emotionally stunted man.

a woman who defines love by gifts, flowers, or acknowledged beauty is an emotionally stunted woman.

love is so full, so deep, so wide. and we must give it to the person that we have married, not to the gender.

love is so full, so deep, so whole.  and we must give and receive all of it, every piece, every part, every side, as our true selves allow.

* * *

my soul has cried out through the sudden pain of isolation and condemnation on sunday mornings when jokes are made from the pulpit about “men just needing ____ from a woman”  as it clashes badly with our marriage.

i have looked around at the empty faces of the women around me, knowing that their hearts are crying out to hear that they are okay if they don’t fit every gender role, every gender expectation. that their husbands are okay if they don’t fit every gender role, every gender expectation.

i have seen us be so damaged by the church falling for a secular ploy that men and woman are so opposite, so different, so unlike one another.

we have fallen for it so fully that the church is now commonly known as the original source for gender roles, and we march forward, responsibly protecting one of the most life-limiting, God-contradicting lies ever bought by mankind.

we walk through the doors on sunday morning, our spirit craving a place to rest in the individual that we are. yet, so often, we arrive only to be tweaked and trained and pushed and expected back into ‘man’ or ‘woman.’

* * *

the hardest, most painful, greatest, most incredible thing i have learned in a year of marriage may be one of the greatest lessons i ever learn in my lifetime.

that we are people first.

gender second.

and that gender exists in order to create a spectacular, infinite, unconstrained life.

not to destroy it.

.

Before I start this post, can I just say HOW MUCH I LOVE THIS PICTURE I took last weekend? KK thanks. Also, we just discovered the flower district in downtown LA (that’s where the flowers are from + where that awesome old store is) and I will be trying to convince Max to go with me every single weekend for the rest of my life, probably. Alright. Carry on.

OHANDALSO: If something in this post offends you, my deepest apologies. Unless maybe you needed to be offended, then let me assure you that I was offended first. Because I used to believe a good number of these things myself. Actually, almost all of them. Eesh.

1. Your future spouse will not be attractive. You know, I used to believe this, and I’ve tried for the last 12 1/2 minutes to figure out why. I’m thinking it’s because the first cute guys we all had crushes on were “bad” for us, so we adopted the dessert/vegetable complex. If it’s healthy for you, it won’t taste good. (No pun intended.) Unfortunately fortunately, wait – yes, unfortunately, men are not food items, and you absolutely 100% will be attracted to him. Keep in mind that attraction is multi-faceted* and emotional investment does a LOT for the oo-la-la factor – BUT – if you’re engaged and you realize that you’ve never felt physical attraction to your guy, you need to take a step back. (*Attraction is not a check “yes or no” on if this person is “hot.” It’s something more special. And sometimes it ebbs and flows, so don’t freak out when its a little Less than it is More at times.)  

2. Your husband will always want more sex than you, because Men Need Sex. Always. This horse has been beaten to death on my corner of the Internet, but I have to say it YET AGAIN because I still KEEP HEARING that pastors are teaching sermons on “Why Men Need Sex” and I STILL KEEP GETTING EMAILS from women who are crying themselves to sleep [like I used to] because they thought something was wrong with them [like I used to/am still working at this] because their husband wasn’t a raging sexaholic [like we’ve been brainwashed to believe] and for them to desire sex and their husband to be too tired or stressed out means ITSMYFAULTIMNOTPRETTYANYMORE. It pains me to say this, but sex is not a need. For anyone. It’s a desire, and it can be a really really really strong one, but it’s not a legimate need as in If You Don’t Eat Food You Will Die. (However, if you ever see a news article titled Man Drops Dead From Not Having Sex, please alert me immediately.) There’s also a good number of women who are borderline terrified of marriage because they’re convinced it’s going to be like a Christian version of 50 Shades of Grey where they’re just forced against their will to do all kinds of nonsense while wearing an apron. Which brings me to…….

3. Having sex when you’re not remotely interested (or on your period) is part of submitting. Okay. A man having sex with you when you’ve vocalized that you don’t want to is rape. Yes, this is extreme. But in the same way that “marital submission” obviously does not make rape “okay,” it also does not make “just sucking it up and going along with it even though its physically or emotionally painful because your entire spirit is not able to participate in sex right now” okay. I hope by the grace of God you marry a man who loves you, and I guarantee you that if a man loves you and you communicate your feelings, he will not force or guilt you into having sex when you really do not want to. And, he will also listen when you say so. If you feel like you can’t tell your husband how you’re feeling, sign yourself up for counseling ASAP. And if your husband is guilting you into sex, then get counseling ASAP. This isn’t good, and it sure as heck isn’t Biblical. Take care of your heart. <3

4. I’m 19 and I’ll never find The One. I joke about this, but I remember being 19 and feeling like I’d already lived ages and ages, and when 25 year old women told me that “the next 6 years will go so fast!!” I wanted to punch them in the face. I won’t lie to you. Six years will not go by “so fast.” But they will go, and they will be AWESOME, with or without The One. So get some ice cream, dance around in your underwear, and commit to loving your life. Marriage comes when the time is right, and we are literally commanded to not worry about tomorrow.

5. Past mistakes will ruin your marriage, and your husband won’t want to marry a girl who isn’t a virgin. First things first. If you ever meet a man who says “Oh I won’t marry a girl unless she’s a virgin,” run for the hillllllsss are alliiiiiive with the souuund of conntroollll problemmmmms. Spare yourself from a lifetime with a man who hasn’t yet grasped God’s grace or the reality of brokenness within his – and your – heart. This whole, big, great and beautiful life is about learning how many mistakes we’ve all made, and choosing to love one another through it. It’s love that covers a multitude of sins, and it’s the greatest gift we’ve got. Try every single day to learn to give and receive it in more and more ways. Note: Sexual purity isn’t solely defined by virginity. Every single one of us has some sort of past. It is impossible to marry a “sinless man” and no good man expects to find a “sinless woman.” A man who judges you for your sexual history has yet to remove the plank from his own eye, or is living in denial or fear. You have been forgiven by Jesus already. Find a man who forgives like Him.

6. Counseling is for people with worse problems than you. Counseling is for people who have gone through hard things, and who don’t have all the answers. Which is me, and my husband, and every person I know. For me, going to counseling with my husband for the first 6 months of our marriage has been one of the best decisions of my life. I will never forget Day One when I realized that this man next to me on the sofa, spilling his heart, was just as messed up as I was – and we were BOTH trying as hard as we could to make this work. All those things that annoyed me, that hurt me, that I wondered about? None of those were “intentionally against me.” He was just….trying. And imperfect. Just like me. Counseling is invaluable in understanding this. [PS. I know counseling is ‘expensive,’ but prioritize counseling up there with food/rent, start praying for a counselor every day, and ask around until you’ve annoyed even the people greeting at church.]

7. You “give up your life” for marriage. We all know at least one horrifically miserable person who changed into someone else’s Perfect Spouse, instead of marrying someone who loved everything about them. Maybe this was one of your parents. Don’t let this screw with your head. Your life will always be yours, and a good man will understand and love that. Sure, your life will change, and you’ll have someone to share it with now – but it will always be yours. IT’S FREAKING AWESOME. EVEN IF ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU SHARE. Again, if you’re in love with a guy who wants you to “give up your life for him,” he’s got it all wrong. Send him away. POOF. Poofity-poof.

8. It’s a sin to be attracted to someone.  This, from what I can tell, comes from our unfortunate misunderstanding that physical attraction/attractiveness = lust, and since lust = sin, attraction = sin. Lust, believe it or not, is actually the attempt to appropriate to oneself something that does not belong to you. Read that again. It’s trying to make something yours, when it isn’t yours. Or acting like it’s yours, when it isn’t. Simply put, wishful stealing. God warns against lust to let you know, “Oh hay. I see what you’re thinking. And your thoughts matter to me just as much as your actions, because your heart is actually more important than your body.” Recognizing that someone is attractive, and also BEING ATTRACTED [desiring sex, etc] is not sin. It’s things like adultery, cheating, and fantasizing/getting off to people who are not Your Amazing Committed Lover that are highly not-recommended. Both by the Bible, and me personally, based on lots of experience.

9. You’ll meet The One when you don’t want him anymore. Thanks to this gem, 95% of single women at your church are silently punishing themselves for not yet figuring out how to obliterate their desire to get married or have a boyfriend. And simultaneously blaming themselves for keeping a good man away (with their thoughts? their energies? vibes? Karma? God’s punishment/reward system? I’ve never understood the mechanics of this part.). Look, if you really want to be a mom or wife one day, don’t kill off your natural healthy desires just because you can’t fulfill it right now. You wouldn’t try to convince yourself that hunger is a sin just because dinner isn’t served for another hour and a half, would you? No. You recognize it as good and healthy, and you wait patiently before the Lord. Or the cook.

10. Don’t ever, ever, ever, ever, ever initiate with a guy, ever. Yeah, you know, because The First Interaction Formula is a fool-proof way of getting a guy who’s going to be responsible and servant-like in your relationship. I’m sure the wasted guy at the bar who has NO PROBLEM asking you out for a date will be a winner, and the shy boy at church will be the cause for your future divorce. Waiting for men to initiate is rule based on a good principle – but do.not.miss.the.principle because you’re too hung up on the rule.  Good guys have been burned in the past, just like we have. And it doesn’t make them inherently shitty husbands, nor is it reason for you to emasculate them for not asking you out the very first time they see you. HAVE LOVE. AND GRACE. Just say OHH HAYY I LIKE YOU A LOT AND THINK YOU’RE PRETTY AWESOME. Or something. You’re not disobeying Christian Guidelines For Being a Woman, you’re being the real you.

* * *

It’s worth noting that Christians are not the only ones who believe some or all of these things to be true – many are common secular beliefs as well. The title was chosen as a reflection of the common beliefs I often see being discussed/asked about by young women in a Christian environment online..

NOTE: Yesterday I answered 5 questions in one liners HERE. Next month’s topic on GoodWomenProject.com is “Ask A Married Woman.” We’ll only be able to answer about 30 of the submitted 200-ish (and in a serious manner, mind you) – so in the meantime, I’m answering some of the rest in quick soundbites. Take a deep sip from your coffee mug and let’s get to my second rare appearance of Snark.

Question 1: Is it better to marry a man with a similar personality or a different personality? A guy and I who have the same Myers-Briggs personality type are close friends – how would our same personality type affect dating? How would dating affect our friendship?

Answer: Chilllllll outttt. Everything affects everything. No one knows the “hows” until they get there. But seriously. Did you secretly con him into taking that personality test in order to scan him for compatibility? If he went with it, you guys will probably be great together.

* * *
Question 2: Were you ever in a situation prior to marriage where someone provided Godly wisdom/advice in telling you that a particular man isn’t the one God has chosen for you but in your heart you believe that he is? This same person also advised earlier that God gave another man to you as your husband but things did not turn out as they had said that “God said”. If it didn’t work out the first time, although it was said to be from God, would you believe it the second time that the one you’re with isn’t the one? There has been prayer upon prayer, scripture upon scripture and blog upon blog concerning this along with much confusion and doubt to the point where I’m not sure what Holy Spirit is speaking to my heart.

Answer: Dang, your friend really wants to tell you how to live your life! God doesn’t arrange marriages and have the betrothal note delivered via a third wheel. Or a Bible verse. Choose what you love and what loves you back. Trust yo’self. (Free Happy Meal Tip/Toy: Hit pause on killing yourself to see if God’s talking about this guy, and see if this guy is talking about God.)

* * *
Question 3: Would you stay with a cheating husband even with the threat of all the STD’s around, even though he put you at risk of all those diseases? – Engaged girl, 24+

Answer: Future bacterial families probably shouldn’t be what you’re worried most about in the engagement period. If you’re trying to find a good excuse to leave him, you had it at “cheating.” Doctors can prescribe an antibiotic, but they can’t fix a lifetime of devastation left in the wake of chronic infidelity.

* * *
Question 4: How can you tell if a guy is interested or if you’re just reading into things?

Answer: My personal recommendation is asking the guy himself, not a woman on the Internet. Men are interactive humans and not books that need to be read.

* * *
Question 5: Do you ever get jealous?

Answer: Naaaah. No one ever told you marriage makes you p*E*r*F*e*C*t?!? With its little marriage-y wand. POOF. Poofy-poof

* * *
Question 6: God gave us sex for babies and bonding. I want both, just not right now. We got married 3 weeks ago, and are still struggling to figure out the bonding part of sex. We have no money for a baby and most importantly are at significant risk of having a long distance marriage for 1-2 years (military). I am so split. I want babies but know that we are not ready – in so many ways. I want to have sex freely with my husband and figure this intimacy stuff out. Being on the birth control pill makes me feel like I am shutting the door on God. I want to just trust in God and let nature take it’s course, but I’m also realistic about the very real set of life circumstances in front of us for the next couple of years. Is using birth control going to jinx us? So glad this is anonymous!

Answer: Well I do know your parents are Catholic, ’cause I can smell the second-hand guilt all the way from my desk. Not to speak for God or anything, but He isn’t waiting for your womanly obedience in pumping out a kid every 9 months. You have the freedom to create your family. There’s no Heavenly Baby Plan that you’re able to ruin. Your life > Your uterus. Condoms are pretty good for sex without babies. Oh, and don’t take the crazy pills. They do nothing for your bonding experience.

To read the first 5 one-liners, click here. To see more of my awesome pet store pictures on Instagram (I can’t have pets in my apartment so the pet store is my second home), you can follow me at @laurennicolelove! Until next time, I’ll be looking for a friend to tell me God said to marry Mark Ruffalo, and Seeking The Lord about His Plans For My Uterus. Sans-jealousy, of course.

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DISCLAIMER: Next month’s topic on GoodWomenProject.com is “Ask A Married Woman.” We’ve received nearly 200 questions from mostly single women, and unfortunately, only about 25 or 30 of these questions will be answered due to the time constraint. However, they’ll be answered in detail by some wildly gracious and experienced married women in a serious manner. In the meantime, I’m going to be taking some of the questions submitted, and answering them in one-liners. Take a deep sip from your coffee mug and let’s get to my rare appearance of Snark.

Question 1: The church I use to attend taught the young ladies that we shouldn’t “want” to get married and “desiring” marriage was wrong… Even sinful. Our man would be found doing ministry at our same church and serving side by side with them. They would become husband material only if approved by the pastor, otherwise they were not good enough. What would you say to this and breaking free of this mentality? What does it mean to be a spiritual leader and what SHOULD we expect from a man? How do we not set our standards too high, without having none at all?

Answer: Leave the church immediately and sign yourself up for therapy.

* * *
Question 2: How do you deal with being single before you get married?

Answer As in, “how do you deal with your disease” before you find “the cure?”

* * *
Question 3: What are your thoughts on waiting to have children the first year (or three) to bond with your new husband?

Answer: If you want kids right now, you should have them. And if you don’t, you shouldn’t. Stop letting your mother judge you.

* * *
Question 4: Was it easy for you to give up your life to get married?

Answer: If you have to give up your life, you are either doing it wrong, or you don’t know what your life is defined by.

* * *
Question 5: How forward or obvious should you be if you are interested in a guy? Should you let him know you’re interested? Or just wait until he says/does something?”

Answer: If you wait until everything in your life comes to you, you won’t have it. Be confident and go after the guy you like. Even though some people would like you to think this, being a woman doesn’t disqualify you from vocalizing what you want. .

LAST GIVEAWAY WINNERS: Winners of the book, We Can’t Go Home Again are: @MeganDutill and Julie from San Diego. Winners of the 2 sets of prints are: @randikayanthony and @laadycakes!

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{+} The Perfect Wife Is Betty Draper. I knew this was false before I got married. I’ve known for awhile now that I am not Betty Draper, nor am I my mother – and no one expects me to be. AND YET, I’ve had to spend so much time dealing with the guilt that slaps me upside the face every time my husband cooks, does the dishes, or washes our towels for me. See that? “For me.” He does it for us. And he’s part of us. There’s no invisible list of Globally Applicable Wife Responsibilities, except for what my husband has personally asked me (and sweetly) to be responsible for. It’s taking a lot of expectation/responsible-for-everything complex undoing to see marriage as, “for us” instead of “for me” or “for him.”

{+}All My Problems Go Away. Very unfortunately, zero of my problems have gone away. Well, one did. I can now complain to a real human being instead of my pillow. It’s (not) funny how we view marriage as what simultaneously makes our life perfect and what ends our life altogether. Life just keeps on going. And I keep having days where I don’t know what I’m doing with it. But thank goodness for that, I think.

{+} Husbands Tell Women What To Do. I half believed this myth in the, “I won’t have to freak out about things anymore” kind of way because, “husbands just have ANSWERS, you know?” I also half believed it in the, “I’ve witnessed zillions of crappy marriages where women are just given instructions and since they have to submit, that’s how it all goes down” kind of way.  Both ways are totally incorrect, it turns out. My husband neither has all the answers, nor does he ever give me instructions or force me to “submit” (to what I don’t know).Except the time I really wanted to buy eyeshadow and he asked me to not buy it till next week so I had to wait. So yeah. Good men don’t tell women what to do. (And good women don’t tell men what to do. Personal reminder.)

{+} Girls Miraculously Transform Into “A WIFE.” I don’t put down my Lauren name-tag and pick up my Wife name-tag. In fact, the more I’ve tried to “be a good wife” instead of being a good version of myself, the more problems we’ve run into. Being a “good wife” projects poor expectations of a relationship status and a relationship role, but being a loving Lauren to a man I’m crazy about? Oh yes. I can do that. ALSO. “Being a wife” takes up a pretty small part of my day, and that’s not a euphemism. Most of my day is still filled with being the exact same person I was as a single person, and I’m still the only person that is 100% responsible for my present and future.

{+} Men Are Sex Addicts. Nah, sex addicts are sex addicts. Men are not sex addicts. They have feelings, thank the LORD, and it turns out I’m the one who wants to pass out after sex and he’s ready to start Day 2 in the same 24 hour period. (I find this hilarious. Just one more thing that Hollywood has gotten all wrong in their gender stereotyping.) Oh, fun fact: 30-40% of married women have higher sex drives than their man – for a season, or permanently. Sorry to keep beating a dead horse (there I go again) but I’m on a personal mission to kill this idea that men are the only creatures who desire or enjoy sex. I just want to hear massive deep sighs of relief from all the girls feeling shame regarding their sex drives, and from all my beloved girlfriends out there who can’t figure out WHAT is wrong with them when they want sex and their husbands aren’t living up to their 24/7 sex machine cultural reputation.

Anyway, now that I think about it, the majority of what the world told me about marriage is…wrong.

My husband doesn’t suck, we aren’t bored with each other yet, I don’t cringe when he grabs my butt in the kitchen, I don’t do all the cooking and cleaning, we both still have a life, I don’t feel trapped, I still have rights to my set of car keys, men haven’t stopped hitting on me in the grocery store, there are still bills to pay for which I am partially responsible, and I still am sort of flailing through my life figuring out what I’m doing.

But, all of this is kind of really nice, because I’m reminded that my relationship with Max is mine. It’s ours. And that makes it so special. It’s not the world’s. It’s not anybody else’s. It’s finally a place where I can close my door and put up my hands and say, YES!  I get to be ME with someone else who loves ME! for the first time ever.

PS. Do any other married women out there not feel married (cue angelic orchestral choir and release the doves) and more feel like….rooming with a hot guy/best friend? In the good way, I mean. Not in the bored with my roommate way.

PPS. What myths have you been de-bunking about marriage, if you’re married? And what do you believe about marriage that you think sounds depressing or terrible, if you’re single?.