5 Myths About Marriage: Debunked.

LAST GIVEAWAY WINNERS: Winners of the book, We Can’t Go Home Again are: @MeganDutill and Julie from San Diego. Winners of the 2 sets of prints are: @randikayanthony and @laadycakes!

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{+} The Perfect Wife Is Betty Draper. I knew this was false before I got married. I’ve known for awhile now that I am not Betty Draper, nor am I my mother – and no one expects me to be. AND YET, I’ve had to spend so much time dealing with the guilt that slaps me upside the face every time my husband cooks, does the dishes, or washes our towels for me. See that? “For me.” He does it for us. And he’s part of us. There’s no invisible list of Globally Applicable Wife Responsibilities, except for what my husband has personally asked me (and sweetly) to be responsible for. It’s taking a lot of expectation/responsible-for-everything complex undoing to see marriage as, “for us” instead of “for me” or “for him.”

{+}All My Problems Go Away. Very unfortunately, zero of my problems have gone away. Well, one did. I can now complain to a real human being instead of my pillow. It’s (not) funny how we view marriage as what simultaneously makes our life perfect and what ends our life altogether. Life just keeps on going. And I keep having days where I don’t know what I’m doing with it. But thank goodness for that, I think.

{+} Husbands Tell Women What To Do. I half believed this myth in the, “I won’t have to freak out about things anymore” kind of way because, “husbands just have ANSWERS, you know?” I also half believed it in the, “I’ve witnessed zillions of crappy marriages where women are just given instructions and since they have to submit, that’s how it all goes down” kind of way.  Both ways are totally incorrect, it turns out. My husband neither has all the answers, nor does he ever give me instructions or force me to “submit” (to what I don’t know).Except the time I really wanted to buy eyeshadow and he asked me to not buy it till next week so I had to wait. So yeah. Good men don’t tell women what to do. (And good women don’t tell men what to do. Personal reminder.)

{+} Girls Miraculously Transform Into “A WIFE.” I don’t put down my Lauren name-tag and pick up my Wife name-tag. In fact, the more I’ve tried to “be a good wife” instead of being a good version of myself, the more problems we’ve run into. Being a “good wife” projects poor expectations of a relationship status and a relationship role, but being a loving Lauren to a man I’m crazy about? Oh yes. I can do that. ALSO. “Being a wife” takes up a pretty small part of my day, and that’s not a euphemism. Most of my day is still filled with being the exact same person I was as a single person, and I’m still the only person that is 100% responsible for my present and future.

{+} Men Are Sex Addicts. Nah, sex addicts are sex addicts. Men are not sex addicts. They have feelings, thank the LORD, and it turns out I’m the one who wants to pass out after sex and he’s ready to start Day 2 in the same 24 hour period. (I find this hilarious. Just one more thing that Hollywood has gotten all wrong in their gender stereotyping.) Oh, fun fact: 30-40% of married women have higher sex drives than their man – for a season, or permanently. Sorry to keep beating a dead horse (there I go again) but I’m on a personal mission to kill this idea that men are the only creatures who desire or enjoy sex. I just want to hear massive deep sighs of relief from all the girls feeling shame regarding their sex drives, and from all my beloved girlfriends out there who can’t figure out WHAT is wrong with them when they want sex and their husbands aren’t living up to their 24/7 sex machine cultural reputation.

Anyway, now that I think about it, the majority of what the world told me about marriage is…wrong.

My husband doesn’t suck, we aren’t bored with each other yet, I don’t cringe when he grabs my butt in the kitchen, I don’t do all the cooking and cleaning, we both still have a life, I don’t feel trapped, I still have rights to my set of car keys, men haven’t stopped hitting on me in the grocery store, there are still bills to pay for which I am partially responsible, and I still am sort of flailing through my life figuring out what I’m doing.

But, all of this is kind of really nice, because I’m reminded that my relationship with Max is mine. It’s ours. And that makes it so special. It’s not the world’s. It’s not anybody else’s. It’s finally a place where I can close my door and put up my hands and say, YES!  I get to be ME with someone else who loves ME! for the first time ever.

PS. Do any other married women out there not feel married (cue angelic orchestral choir and release the doves) and more feel like….rooming with a hot guy/best friend? In the good way, I mean. Not in the bored with my roommate way.

PPS. What myths have you been de-bunking about marriage, if you’re married? And what do you believe about marriage that you think sounds depressing or terrible, if you’re single?.

/ / / / leave love

  1. Sharayah says:

    I went through a season where I was obsessed with being the “perfect wife” a la Proverbs 31. I worked a full time job *and* another part time job and still wanted to try and clean the entire house and have dinner ready and look adorable all in the hour before my husband came home. To say the least, I was stressed and resentful, and neither of these attributes make for anything close to the “perfect wife”, which is an ideal we should trash anyway. When I started focusing on paying attention to my husband’s actual needs and desires (he’d rather I sit in the bathroom and talk to him while he showers after work, rather than scramble around the kitchen trying to get dinner ready before he gets out), rather than paying attention to what I *thought* it meant to be the perfect wife. Voila, things became instantly easier. He just wanted me to be ME, and I don’t wear an apron and smilingly clean the house top to bottom every single day without a smudge to my makeup. And we’re happy!

    • / / / / lauren nicole / / / / says:

      I so love this. Every time I try to be the perfect wife too I end up really stressing myself out, and consequently, my husband too. And sitting in the bathroom while he showers to talk to him is ADORABLE.

  2. sara choe says:

    as i’m faced with a boatload of choices/questions and lots of little next steps, i think to myself, “egad, i can barely decide these things for myself; it’s no wonder i’m single still.” the prospects of more schooling, starting a new career, and uprooting to a place where i know hardly anybody overwhelm me; trying to imagine a husband and children in that mix confuse me.

    i dread the notion of my dream or calling having to be even further delayed in giving way to my future husband’s. this assumes that there’s not a man who shares a vision/passions/calling similar to my own, and we know that assuming… you know. but yeah. that’s kinda what i find depressing thus in a twisted way, i content myself with being single.

    • Brooke says:

      I heard a man I really respect say this, “My job, as a husband, is to give my wife wings.” His implication was that he saw their marriage as a place for pursuing each of their individual dreams together. I’m a single woman and I feel like God has given me big dreams. I wonder how getting married will play into that. Especially, given that those dreams involve being a missionary halfway across the planet from the nation I call home. But what I keep coming back to is that the nature of marriage is pursuing God together. I see that in the good examples of marriage around me. Marriage and family, if they happen, become parts, and the most important ones, of God’s plan for your life but that doesn’t mean that all the other God dreams go away. You just have someone with you in it, cheering you on or sharing the load. I think that’s beautiful and worth waiting for. And in the meantime, run after God with all you have. Pursue the things you feel him leading you to. If you meet a man along the way and decide to have babies with him, great. If not, you’ve spent your life devoted to God and the work he has guided you to. Either way, that’s a life well spent.

      • / / / / lauren nicole / / / / says:

        I absolutely love this. I like to think that I’ve helped my husband do what he does best, and I KNOW that he’s motivated and better enabled me to do what I love.

    • / / / / lauren nicole / / / / says:

      Yeah, this totally makes sense to me. One thing that’s really helped me is understanding that if your vision/passion/desires are God-given, and your husband is God-given, then they aren’t going to contradict or lessen one another. Also, I’ve had to learn that just because a guy’s vision/passion/calling is different than mine, doesn’t mean it contradicts mine. They don’t have to be the same, they just have to be complimentary or can co-exist well. <3

  3. meganleiann says:

    Haha! My husband and I joke all the time that it’s just like the longest, most awesome slumber party ever! We’ve been married almost 10 years (eek!) and it’s so much fun! We keep each other up talking at night. We are having the best sex of our lives- so far! I cook and he cleans up after dinner. (Awesome!) We are super-traditional. He earns the money and I take care of the house and kids during the day- but we both really like those rolls right now. It’s all about being a team. He’s helping me be me and I’m helping him be him. Doing it all “for us” is the best way to look at it!

  4. Lauren S says:

    I definitely am not used to being married. I mean I’m having a blast, but just yesterday I saw my husband write “my wife, Lauren . . .” and my brain went “WHAT?” I am so not mature, and old enough, and well, wifey enough. I keep wondering how many years it will take to recondition my subconcious. When the person breathing next to me at night filters into my dreams, it’s always translated into my little sister that I haven’t shared a room with for about 4 years. I don’t think my subconcious has the slightest clue where to put the “husband” file in my brain. Yeah, I do kinda get the awesomest sleep over ever vibe. I actually get to LIVE at my best friend’s house, I never have the sad “it’s time to go back to my boring home now” part. 😉

    • / / / / lauren nicole / / / / says:

      hahahaha I totally know what you mean. I cannot for the life of me view myself as a wife. At all. Everytime Max introduces me as “his wife,” I want to announce BUT I’M NOT REALLY A GROWN UP OR RESPONSIBLE. haha.

      • MaryChar E says:

        Sometimes I don’t feel like I am considered a grown up or responsible because I am 24 and not married…

        Just a different perspective… not that I really feel like an adult, but I do have a real job with insurance and benefits if that is what makes you an adult.

        • Bethany says:

          I know what you mean. Depending on what part of the country you live in or if you’re a member of certain cultural groups, you may be viewed as capable but it’s not quite “official across the board” that you’re an adult until you’re married. I truly mourn this mentality. You are an adult, so start to take yourself seriously (but not too seriously or you start to play with arrogance and pride!) and make the decisions you need to make. Live life, love and obey God faithfully, and value what is truly important (aka not the relationship status). Singlehood is a gift, you can do so much.

  5. RK says:

    I just turned 33, saved when I was 26- I’m still not married. This post makes me relieved and look forward to marriage.
    Thanks! =) Oh and I hate everything Hollywood turns to Hollywood. Including marriages.

    • / / / / lauren nicole / / / / says:

      It’s all in perfect timing!! Don’t worry that you’re missing out on all the greatest parts of life. Being single and being married are both very hard and very awesome. <3

  6. cf says:

    Thanks for the post Lauren. I am 16 days away from getting married, and yesterday all of my fears and insecurities hit me like a brick wall. Will I even be a good wife? Will we love each other enough to get through the tough times? I guess your post shook me out of my self-doubt mode. I need to just be me, just love my fiance, and just embrace this new chapter of our lives. With help from God who blesses marriage, and without help from all the world’s stereotypes and expectations that tells me we’re going to be resentful and bored of each other within the year.
    Looking forward to de-bunking marriage myths in our own way 🙂

    • / / / / lauren nicole / / / / says:

      Oh man, yeah. I was constantly worried about that the month or two before getting married. If I could give any advice to engaged girls it would just be to relax and enjoy the relationship. It isn’t for anyone else but you and the guy you’re in love with. No one is going to be disappointed that you’re “not a good enough wife” and the only person that can tell you you’re a good wife or a bad wife is your husband. Not you, not your parents, friends, anybody. Because your husband’s the only one married to you. Always remember that. <3 Congrats on your upcoming wedding, too!!!

      • Bethany says:

        Love this! I always (perhaps unhelpfully) tell people who ask me for how-to-take-care-of-a-husband advice that I’m learning and exploring on how to be the expert on MY man, not men in general, and that what works with my man won’t necessarily work for yours and vice-versa. Have fun learning and enjoying the privilege of becoming the only expert on your man, just as he is becoming the expert on you and your wonderful individuality!

    • Bethany says:

      “Will we love each other enough to get through the tough times?”

      This is a good question, but I think it’s more “Will we trust God enough to get through the tough times?” Will I trust God to change his heart, my attitude, to guide us in what decisions to make? Do I trust that He will give me the wisdom, mercy, and grace to confront my own sins and encourage and support my husband as he struggles with his? Yes, marriage is about two people becoming one, but God is the central and sustaining force. Only He cultivates the unconditional love, respect, and forgiveness we are to show to our spouses regardless of our circumstances. For this reason marriage is both so challenging and so rewarding. Thankfully, we have God-access 24/7 and He loves to give to us freely!

  7. It’s SO refreshing to hear your take on marriage. I feel like I get so many crazy perspectives on marriage and a lot of them feel so cookie cutter and fake. It’s encouraging to hear how you REALLY feel. I love it.

    Also, I bought Max’s book on my kindle, so I didn’t enter the giveaway below, but I can recommend it 🙂

  8. Janaye says:

    I only just turned 18, but my whole life I’ve grown up in a very conservative and legalistic home. I’ve always been taught that women are weaker than men and are to subject themselves to men (based on Ephesians 5::22-24 & 1 Peter 3:1-7). I’ve struggled a lot with this notion but everytime I question it, I’m disaprovingly told that I’m being a feminist. I love your take on things, so I was curious if you had any thoughts regarding the bible passages and implications?

  9. Anneliese says:

    I’m 20 years old and still single (which I’m more than happy to be at this point!). One thing about marriage that’s kind of been niggling at me is: how do you have time completely by yourself at home, without your husband? I’m quite introverted and need time alone each day; I need to spend that time with the Lord and also just being by myself to recharge, you know? So as much as I’d love to be married one day, the impression I get that there’ll no longer be such a thing as alone time worries me a bit.

    • / / / / lauren nicole / / / / says:

      I think it really depends on the couple, and what season the couple is in. Sometimes getting alone time is really easy, like if your job schedules don’t match up perfectly, for example. Other times it can be really difficult (particularly in my case because we both freelance and work primarily from home), so you have to be intentional about it. At the beginning of getting married we both used to be really worried about offending the other person by saying, “dude I need you to go hang out somewhere cuz I need to be home alone for the evening.” haha. But now we can completely do that. You can *definitely* have alone time once your married, and it’s still just as important. I know that when I was single, I pictured marriage idealistically, so alone time seemed probably impossible to get, but when we have a tangible example of marriage (IE: max and lauren! my friends so and so and her husband, me and the guy i love, etc), it’s easier to imagine two people talking about finding ways for each person to have their alone time, you know?

  10. Ashley says:

    I am single and completely grew up with the idea that once you are married, you never fight with your spouse- and if you do, it means you are getting divorced or something is intrinsicly and fundamentaly wrong with your relationship. My parents never EVER fought around me growing up. I saw them get into a disagreement once in my young life and remember thinking that they were going to be over now- just like all my friends parents. I also saw them rarely being affectionate with each other. It wasn’t good, it wasn’t bad, it just was. I grew up with an idea that marriage is two people living together and loving each other from a distance, and trying their best to be picture perfect for their kids and the rest of the world. The more I see my friends getting married and watch other people’s marriage that I respect, the more I see there are alot of things I believe about marriage that are just not true. Love this post and love reading about you and Max’s relationship. Thanks for doing what you do. 🙂

    • Beth says:

      Ashley,

      this shocks me because my parents fought *all* the time. my husband and i now still haven’t had a yelling match or screamed at each other once… and i’m worried that we’re not actually dealing with our disagreements since it seems like we’re so passive!

    • / / / / lauren nicole / / / / says:

      This is fascinating to me, because I grew up the same way. I thought fighting was “evil” haha. For years I’ve been terrified of expressing my opinion with a boyfriend/or any guy, for fear that it will suddenly end the relationship. It’s been crazy being married to Max and voicing my opinion all the time, in agreement AND disagreement, and finding out that he loves me exactly the same, 24/7.

  11. This post made me laugh because I often simultaneously feel guilt for not being in the kitchen more (because my husband does the cooking) AND feel offended when he kindly reminds me that the dishes aren’t done and need to be done (he does laundry, cooks, and vacuums- I do dishes and general tidying because that’s what makes me happy). It’s an odd scenario to be sure- today, I was having one of those moments and seeing my face contort into a twist of frustration & guilt, my husband says, “Get that feminist shit out of your head (I have to confess that I started giggling because he swore); I’m in the kitchen more than you and it’s OK that you do the dishes- it doesn’t mean you’re not an independent woman.” I love the fact that I’m married to a funny, gracious man (I think he’s pretty awesome) who kindly cooks almost every night of the week and who loves me for who I am- a slightly independent woman who gets prickly about being in the kitchen sometimes. 🙂

  12. Cara says:

    Ohhhh mah goodness. Okay, I’ve only been married for a little under 6 months, but Dan and I are still freaking out on the daily how un-married we feel. It’s awesome and so strange at the same time. We live together, we do SEX together, we eat together, we fight, we go to church together, all the good stuff and the bad stuff, and we still don’t feel married. Just like we’re living together and it’s awesome. AWESOME. <3

  13. Lindsay says:

    I totally agree with all these. I’m so glad I’m not alone! I have been married for almost 7 years and it still doesn’t feel like I’m married. I’ve learned a few things along the way like…..DON’T bitch to your mom about your husband. After a few hours or a few days when things are better, you will forgive your husband but your mom never will. It’s ok to go to bed mad. Sometimes you just have to cry yourself to sleep, let your emotions calm down and then go breakfast together the next morning and talk about it. And my favorite…MOVE! I have something inside of me that makes me think that when I am stuck emotionally that I am stuck in all other aspects of my life. Traveling, finding new places together, new restaurants, new countries, new roads has reminded me that home will always be where my husband is. <3 <3 <3

    • / / / / lauren nicole / / / / says:

      I totally agree with this. I heard a stand up comedian talk about this whole “don’t go to bed mad at your partner” thing, and he was like “oh yeah because that makes sense. Let’s try to solve our marriage’s biggest problems when we’re both exhausted, foggy-minded and mad at the whole world because we aren’t already asleep – until waiting until we’re actually alive the next morning.” Haha. That being said, we try super hard to kiss each other good night or say I love you, even when we’re super angry.

  14. Rachel says:

    One of the myths that has held me up is that once you’re married, you lose all independence. You have to sleep with someone else every night, you get no alone time, you have automatic company anytime you go out, you can’t pursue dreams that don’t clearly involve both of you, etc. I think this has some truth and some not truth to it. My fiance and I have talked about it, and we both want time alone – and if we feel like falling asleep on the couch alone rather than in bed next to each other occasionally, it’s okay! If we want to go on a walk alone, it’s okay. We aren’t obligated to do everything together just because we are “one”. So many people lose their individual identity when they are married- and you never get to hang out with them as your friend again, because they must have their husband with them all the time…because they are married and don’t know who they are other than a wife. That seems dangerous to me.

    On the other hand, it is hard because there are things we would like to pursue (like working abroad in some capacity) that may not include opportunities for us to do it together. It is hard to know when to give up something I could do as “me”, but can’t do as “us”. I don’t want to live life separately, as if we had never gotten married at all, and just continue pursuing the “individual” life. Yet, I don’t want to be limited or squash the growth potential or opportunities I could have. It’s a hard balance and I am nervous about it!

  15. Are you freaking kidding me right now???? You and your husband are amazing! Are you serious?
    I seriously have been praying the Lord give me someone to relate to. Who knew it would be a blogger???
    I have only been married since September 17th, 2011 and am learning a lot right now. I loved what you said about being “a good wife” because I am seriously struggling with that. One thing that helps me is the reminder that I am not the sole reason my husband is happy. The Lord fills his void not me. Also I feel like I never understood how difficult marriage would be.
    I mean, I didn’t date anyone before I met my husband. No kisses, no holding hands, no random blind dates, nothing.
    I am learning a lot people learned when dating in high school. I did think I would be blessed with an “easy” marriage (whatever that means). I didn’t realize how hard it was to be completely my vulnerable self, not able to hide anything. All of my sin, everything, is always out on the table. It is always being dealt with, and that nasty temper/materrialistic/bossy/self absorbed/dramatic sin nature of mine doesn’t get us anywhere in a fight. It is scary, knowing the person I will hurt the most is my husband, the person I love the most. Praise the Lord for His forgiveness and grace that fills our marriage every day.
    I hope this doesn’t sound creepy, but I seriously love your life. Thanks for this.

    • / / / / lauren nicole / / / / says:

      So this is a fun comment. Hahaha. Thank you!! And congrats on your new husbannnnd. The first year of marriage is insane. We got married on Sept 3rd! The whole, “oh yeah you’re going to have an easy marriage!” thing cracks me up. As if anyone could go around telling certain people, “well you’ll have an easy life!” Haha. <3

  16. Amelia says:

    So glad you posted this

  17. Amelia says:

    So glad you posted this, Lauren. My boyfriend and I talk about getting married, and sometimes it freaks me out because I have this feeling like I have to get my shit together to be married, when in reality, it’ll be a lot like it is now only we’ll sleep in the same house and have sex. And maybe do 4 loads of laundry instead of 2 each. It seems silly to have a checklist a mile long of “ready to get married.” The really funny thing is that I think his personal checklist is longer than mine ever would be. Idk. I need grow up ladies to talk to. Being 21 is hard enough as it is. I think it is probably harder without older women to talk to about things like this. Which is why I’m so thankful for you and GWP!

    • / / / / lauren nicole / / / / says:

      You will never have your shit together. Ever. My recommendation is to marry someone who can laugh at you not having it together, and who can handle being laughed at for all his nonsense too. 😛 I’m so glad you love GWP. I started it because I was in your exact same shoes and desperately needed older girls to talk to about being married, because I didn’t have any close relationships with girls who were married, and couldn’t really relate to my mom. It’s been such an awesome year getting to suddenly hear from SO MANY girls and women on relationships. Oh and accidentally getting married. Wasn’t planning on that. Haha.

      • Amelia says:

        Hah, so the getting married was just a perk, eh? 😛 I seriously am so glad you did start GWP, because I do have the same situation. My mom and I either don’t get along or just don’t *get* each other, which leads to me not being comfortable talking to her about things. And while basically all of my friends have gotten married in the past 3 or 4 years, they’re all right at my age. Sometimes it’s just things about LIFE I need help with! It’s hard being an island. And while my boyfriend is fantastic and we talk about everything, sometimes his perspective is a little too…male…for whatever I have going on. Hahaha. This is why it’s so important to have ladies around! <3

  18. Susanna says:

    Oh my word. My two month anniversary of being married to my awesome man is on Thursday, and there’s so much people didn’t tell me about marriage, mostly just stuff I already knew. Like, sometimes even as an introvert who recharges alone, two months in you still don’t need any time away from your spouse. (Maybe this stems from the fact I was completely single till we met a year ago, so I had plenty of alone time?) Or that despite how often your spouse tells you you’re sexy and he loves you and you’re amazing, you’ll still have insecurities and imagine you’re a bad wife? I’m so glad my friend told me about your blog! It was just two days ago I said to my man, “so…..how can I be a better wife?” (because in my mind I keep failing and am far too selfish) annoyed, he replies, “you can stop saying that all the time. you’re a great wife.” oh….initiate a long moment of self-reflection on how marriage doesn’t take away your insecurities.

    and yes, the nonstop sleepover and sex whenever we can has been fantastic! Disney always made the pre-marriage romance seem so much more delicious and exciting, and then the story ends with the wedding. but in reality, the major stress and temptations are gone and now ensues the real story and romance, every.single.day.

    • / / / / lauren nicole / / / / says:

      AHHH LOVE THIS COMMENT. I just read it out loud to Max and he told me we should be friends haha. Totally agree w/you on Disney and the best part being after the wedding. And it’s funny, sometimes I think the key to marriage is to always think that you could be a better spouse, because then you just keep trying. Max is convinced he’s not a good husband, which means I get flowers all the freaking time. I can’t complain. Hahaha.

  19. KF says:

    That photo made my heart happy. Y’all are freaking darling cute together. You make marriage look/sound like the complete opposite of how every single married couple in my family always have, their marriages are why I am so turned off by the idea, but y’all make it seem like it could be possible to have a good marriage and be actually happy. :’) xx

  20. cec says:

    Now one of my biggest fears about marriage is that im going to end up with someone who doesn’t have a sex drive as strong as mine. I was all excited about being able to release my sexual tension in a non sinful way, and now I may just be going from the frying pan to the fire…fuuu

    I hate not knowing. And I hate rules. Even though my heart knows they’re for the best, my head is like hell no. Feel me? I know you do. Whatever, ill get over it.

    But my other fear about marriage was how you talked about fearing losing your independence. I dont like telling people where im going or checking in with someone. Im an only child. And I’ve got only child syndrome. Im thinking I even might want to become a foster mom before o get married so it can teach me how to be more selfless. Cuz I see a husband as a person im going to have to work for. Like employment. So i got to find somebody i respect enough to work for. Probably because that’s how I’ve seen my parents marriage. My mom works for my dad and i. I cant be all about me when there is a job i need to do. This is why i know i gotta wait till im like 30 so i can be done being all about me. I only want to get married if i know its going to be in our best interest financially. Im not worried if we haven’t developed all kinds of feelings. I know i need to be attracted to him but feelings can grow over time. Its commitment that keeps people together, not emotions. I get that.

    one thing I do think of and get excited about is being at the end of my life, on my own again. I just have this deep down feeling that whoever I marry, im going to outlive. And I like the thought of being single again. I love a new phase in life.

    • / / / / lauren nicole / / / / says:

      It’s been really interesting to learn that our sex drives change a LOT over time, even short amounts of time. I wouldn’t be afraid that your sex drive is *always* going to be higher, or that his will *always* be higher. I’m seeing in my own marriage and in other women I talk to that this changes a lot, and the key is just talking about it ALL THE TIME with your husband and making sure that you don’t start feeling unwanted or unattractive, or that you get resentful the other way around because you start feeling that ‘all your husband wants is sex.’ The first 4 or 5 months of this was crazy difficult for me, which is one of the reasons we decided to go to counseling (BEST DECISION OF MY LIFE. PLEASE go to counseling when you get married haha), and I have zero of my insecurities/resentment now.

      Don’t worry about losing your independence. Independence (by the definition its commonly known for) is an illusion, and life is best when we learn who we’re meant to rely on, and who is meant to rely on us. Feeling a loss of independence doesn’t mean you’re suddenly co-dependent, or your life is over. Again, something I’ve had to learn in therapy. Haha.

      Before we get married, the only human beings that we have experience being “accountable” to are our parents, so sometimes thinking about checking in with a husband can feel like a parent/child relationship, until we learn that it’s really just keeping tabs on your BFF because you care so much. When your heart is ready for it and you’ve found the right person, it won’t be hard for you. It’ll come easy. And you ABSOLUTELY do not have to stop being yourself or doing what you want to do with your life when you get marred. Good men help you be more yourself, and enable you to do what you want. <3

  21. Hanna says:

    *leaving love*

    This is just what I needed to read today. I’m currently engaged and simultaneously worried that my life is going nowhere. You reminded me that it’s not because of the man I’m marrying, but because I’m not being responsible for myself as an individual.
    Thanks for letting me link and retweet you all day today. =) Your marriage and your words are blessing so many people!

  22. Fire Fairy says:

    I’ve only just caught up with your blog, as I was still connected to the old one, doh!

    I love this post! My husband is my best friend. Pretty much everything the world says about marriage is wrong. The real thing is so much better than all the invented ideology or criticism that exists about marriage. Despite that, I have still felt a lot of guilt about not being the perfect housewife, although I realise that there is no such thing! When I was single I used to believe there was a perfect man who I would one day marry – once I learned there was no such thing I felt so much freer, and also that the reality is so much better than what I had created in my head. So I’m learning to get past the ‘perfect housewife’ thing, by focusing on God and just being the woman who my husband loves.

    I’ve actually very recently written about what our marriage looks like on my blog, in celebration of our second anniversary, where I covered a few of these thoughts 🙂

  23. Daniel B says:

    “Nah, sex addicts are sex addicts. Men are not sex addicts. They have feelings, thank the LORD, and it turns out I’m the one who wants to pass out after sex and he’s ready to start Day 2 in the same 24 hour period. (I find this hilarious. Just one more thing that Hollywood has gotten all wrong in their gender stereotyping.)”

    Wait – the woman wants less and the guy wants more – isn’t that exactly the stereotype?

  24. molly figueroa says:

    thank you! Glad I’m not the only one who feels that way. Definitely agree with the hottest best guy friend thing! I read something that said it perfectly: being married is getting to have a sleepover with your best friend every night. I also agree that the harder i try to be the “perfect wife” the more i miss that mark and just get frustrated. Its more about praying for God to transform me into the best version of myself and every day humbling myself so I can selflessly serve my husband. Marriage isn’t about gender roles and stereotypes. Gabe and I don’t fit any “normal” stereotype. 🙂

  25. Joy says:

    Wow! I cannot even begin to tell you how much I needed to read what you wrote about sex drives. Seriously, there are times where I feel so guilty for desiring intimacy as much as I do. I’m not married yet, so that makes it even more difficult. lol Truly though, I just found this blog and have been reading so many of your posts because they hit the nail on the head. Girls, (me included!!) really have felt a lot of guilt for wanting sex a lot or even more than our counterpart. I’m so glad to know that I’m not the only one who struggles with that thought process.

    P.s. I’m still a virgin and I’ve gotta say, I’m looking forward to being able to share all of this desire once I’m married. haha Anyone agree!?

  26. I’m not married, but this just
    a.) confirmed all my suspicions
    b.) took a ton of pressure off my would-like-to-be-married-one-day shoulders.
    Woooo!

Trackbacks

  1. […] Your husband will always want more sex than you, because Men Need Sex. Always. This horse has been beaten to death on my corner of the Internet, but I have to say it YET AGAIN because I still KEEP HEARING […]

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